


You tell them no

by leaffeal



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Not a Love Story, Not a ship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:15:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27478654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leaffeal/pseuds/leaffeal
Summary: spoilers.An alternate universe where Shinji comes to the somewhat valid conclusion that being an Eva pilot is an automatic death wish, and Shinji cares a lot more about Toji and Kensuke.Basically an AU where Shinji intervenes to stop Toji from becoming an Eva pilot. He was my favorite character and I really didn't want him to die.Based on that one scene when Toji invites Shinji over to his house, I'm not sure if that happened in the show.
Kudos: 3





	You tell them no

Plates and cutlery clanged together under the soft hiss of rushing water. It reminded Shinji of his life back home, before all his meals came straight from the microwave. And though those weren’t times he thought much about, the familiar sounds grounded him in a unique way. If it weren’t for Toji’s disdained expression the sound could have lulled him into a sense of security, as they washed up silently beside each other. Shinji could see from the corner of his eye Toji’s face downturned into his dish, completely lost within his own worried mind. He’d been cleaning that one plate for the past three minutes. There was something Toji wanted to tell him, he’d been skirting the issue all day. Why did he invite Shinji over? Him in particular. Kensuke was much better pals with him than he was. He heard a voice just beyond the kitchen, breaking him from his thoughts.

  
“Eh, son.. won’t yer folks worry…?” asked Toji’s grandfather, in Toji’s familiar accent.

  
He leaned over his shoulder “Oh, I’m going home right after we wash up,”

  
After he’d finished cleaning his stack of plates, he slung his bag over his shoulder, leaning to accommodate the weight, and made his way for the door.  
“Well, better get going or Misato will yell at me,” he raised his hand to nervously scratch the back of his neck and mustered a smile. It had been fun, Toji was a surprisingly good cook, which seemed out of character for him. He usually scoffed at "girly" things, like cleaning. It was a good evening, but there was a level of tension beneath their light-hearted conversation that Shinji didn’t have the energy to prod at.

“Yeah. Sorry I kept ya so late an’ all,” said Toji, hands fidgeting nervously in his pockets.

Shinji turned to leave, looking over his shoulder to reply a final “See you,” and walking away. He heard Toji mumble a farewell behind him, and Shinji felt the warmth and light from Toji’s apartment dissipate into the cool dark night air. He breathed steadily, already feeling a thick ribbon of anxiety twist from his stomach to his chest like a squirming eel. He took a deep breath to settle his nerves, and his breath misted in front of his face.

  
Something was terribly wrong, something related to everything he’d learned about Nerv, Seele, and that creature crucified in Terminal Dogma. It was all too much for him to really concern himself with whatever Toji was so hesitant to tell him. He thinks about that day, the last day he’d ever seen his mother. A monster of cables and wires. His palms fogging the glass, just a child. This brightness of humanity he was supposed to bear witness to. His father, ruthless and silent, hands clasped behind his back, observing the chaos, while the smell of oil, machinery, and human blood pierced the air. The man who apparently knew everything from the start and knows how everything is going to end. The bastard he hates but can’t seem to direct anger towards, who abandoned him, but not before taking his mother along the way. He should be violent; he should be burning from the inside out. But he hates himself because above all else, he wants his father’s approval even after everything. It was all for his father. He lives at Misato’s, goes to school, pilots Unit-01 only for his father. But he knows now he would never reach him. How selfish.

“Stand on your own two feet and walk,” he said that day at his mother’s empty grave. That may have been the most care that Shinji’s father ever displayed, towards him or just, in general. If it weren’t for this moment, Shinji could convince himself that Gendo Ikari was void of love entirely. The blades of his helicopter stirred the flowers his father had brought. A wet petal stuck to his thumb floated away in the air currents. His back was turned to Shinji, his hands clasped behind his back, hiding the only other evidence Shinji had of his father’s humanity: his scarred palms. Why? Why was Rei so important? Where does she fit in his plan?

The scrutiny of that creature appears in his mind, seven slitted eyes wide and piercing. Fear, recognition, something lurking in them, reaching out to Shinji. Too many questions, too many truths, too many lies. How will he survive? He wants to turn around, he wants to listen to Misato. He wants to reach into the dark pool of his mind and dredge up these memories in harsh clarity, objects sharp like glittering gems, and cast it aside so he won’t have to think about it anymore. He wants to fulfill the job he was given, and then perhaps fade against the fabric of reality until he’s a word mentioned these “dead sea scrolls” and nothing more. A pawn already moved in his father’s game; a plan completed. His life has never truly mattered much to him. Let it be useful for a moment, and then let it dissolve. He doesn’t want to hurt anymore. He would be a coward to himself, but not to his father. But above all he selfishly wants his father to burn his hands for him too, and knowing that will never happen, he is empty. Mr. Kaji would do much better in his position, he thinks coldly, if only they could switch places. He wouldn’t turn from the truth, he could bear its weight. But there’s nothing to be done about that, just another tragedy in this period of time he happens to inhabit.  
And then he hears a pair of sandals slap the wet pavement and feels a hand press solidly into his shoulder, stopping him in his tracks.

“Shinji!”

It was Toji, he’d run all this way to stop him just as he was about turn onto his street.

“Toji, what’s the matter?”

This must have been very important for Toji to have chased him all this way. His face was painted with anxiety and worry, but mostly fear.

“When you first got in an Eva, how did it feel?” he asks.

“What?”

“What did it feel like? Were you scared?” he took his hands out of his pockets and knitted them together, before lowering them to clutch either side of his pants again, looking down.

“Why? Why are you asking?”

“I…um,” He took a deep breath. “Someone from Nerv came today. Told me to be a pilot,” Dread filled every muscle in his body, his chest, his legs, his hands. He dug his fingernails into his palms. No, no, no way. Absolutely no way. “If I joined up they’d transfer my sister, y’know to the trauma unit y’ got at Nerv HQ. She could get much better treatment there they said, y’know,” Toji continued, but Shinji stared straight ahead even has Toji gripped his sleeves and slid onto his knees. “I’m so scared. I kept tellin’ myself today it’s no big deal. But look. Just look I’m shakin’ I can’t stop shakin”

Shinji took both of Toji’s hands into his own, they were shaking, and he pressed his back against the wall, before lowering himself onto the ground with him. He was filled with dread, the most horrible dread he’d ever felt, and panic. So much panic he was shaking too, and gripped Toji’s hands while he tried unsuccessfully to control is breathing. He lowered his head between his knees and stared at the ground, he could feel himself start to break down.

“You’re not being very reassuring right now Shinji” Toji replied, voice cracking.

A million things started racing through Shinji’s mind. The million truths, the million lies he’d been told. He could lie to him, he could say he wasn’t scared in his Eva. He could calm Toji down and tell him he’d be safe. He could hide the truth from him, the truth that it was all planned from the start, that Nerv wasn’t only protecting humanity, its intentions unclear yet motivations obviously impure. He stood by as half the human population was wiped out, and then covered it up. Shinji could die by his lying father, but not Toji. Not him.

“Hey what’s going on? You can’t do this to me right now,”

Shinji looked past Toji, hands still clasped together, holding on to him as if he would obliterate in front of him should he let go. Panic spread in his chest like an unfurling flower. Shinji felt as if he knew Toji like family. He was annoying and brutish sure, but he was sensitive too, and honest to a fault. He was unbelievably kind and impossibly caring. He was too good to die for lies, too good to be here at all. He’d already heard of a fourth child being “found” or whatever that meant. The whole thing seemed fishy to him. It was too sudden, too fast. The Marduk institute didn’t even issue a report for Toji apparently. It’s rushed. And what was with Unit-04 suddenly exploding and incinerating the whole Nevada facility, which supposedly killed thousands of people and yet, he had heard nothing about it from anyone. And then Unit-03 being shipped here. The other US facility must have recognized the danger the units pose. What was with that blackout, assumed to be sabotage? It seems unclear whether the Marduk Institute is even real in the first place. The credibility behind Nerv could just be Nerv. So who holds them accountable? Who picks the children? And what were the Evas exactly? Why did they go berserk, why did they inexplicably move on their own? How did my mother die? How did she vanish? What does Seele want? What does my father want? What were all these people dying for? What are we going to die for? The lies piling on top of each other, secrets on secrets and deaths upon deaths. He felt as if he was going crazy. What kind of world do we live in? An image, a new horrifying image from the dark waters of his mind flicked into focus, but instead of his mother’s eye, it was Toji’s. Grotesque and bulbous, pushing out the half-shattered skull of an Eva.

“I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!” Shinji didn’t mean to shout. He let go of Toji’s hands and slapped them to his mouth, eyes wide, his shuddering breath snaking between his fingers.

“Shut up man! What are you mental?” Toji grabbed his shoulders and shook him. He shout whispered, “Look at me! What’s going on?”.

Shinji swallowed and said quietly “You have to say no. Whatever you do, you say no”. Toji gaped at him. He lifted his head to meet his eyes. “Did you hear me? You say no!” Shinji demanded, this time grabbing Toji’s jacket sleeves.

“You gotta give me an explanation”

He thought about Mr. Kaji, how easily he’d shared his secrets with him, and the truth about Nerv. Surely if Kaji could get away with sharing that with him, he could get away with telling Toji. It was no secret how dangerous being an Eva pilot is. Toji certainly wouldn’t put his life on the line if he knew about the corruption behind the scenes, how recklessly Nerv spent human life; or at least Shinji hoped he wouldn’t. Shinji had already resigned himself to death. Not that he expected it, but he was prepared for it. He had silently done the same for his fellow pilots and had now begun extending this to the people at Nerv, after hearing about the explosion in Nevada. But he was never prepared to expand this to his classmates. He felt such a growing affinity for Toji and Kensuke because he foolishly placed his hopes in their continuity. He hoped he could hold onto them in case he lost everyone else. He didn’t want to go back to isolation. And like the selfish boy he is he knows he can't let Nerv take Toji away from him.

“Toji, go home. Tell your grandfather you’re not piloting the Unit-03. I will explain everything I know about Nerv tomorrow. Not here,” He let go of Toji’s jacket and lifted himself off the ground. Toji reached out to grab Shinji’s bag but he was already running. He couldn't tell him here, somebody might be listening.

“What the hell man!”

He turned around, a safe distance away from Toji, and lifted both hands to his mouth like a megaphone. “You just have to promise me! Promise me you’re not going to touch that robot!” He shouted back. There was a pain in his voice he didn’t mean to communicate, but Toji seemed to pick up on. He was an idiot, but he was perceptive, something Shinji envied about him.

“Okay fine! Just stop yelling,” He said, exasperated.

Shinji needed time to think. He needed to unlock the safe in his mind that protected him. He needed to approach the truth for the first time, to gather his thoughts. He thought about their party earlier that month, with Kensuke and Misato, and Mr. Kaji and Asuka. He felt, for the first time, as if he belonged somewhere. That people cared about him. He’s never had a family like that before. And he remembered the distinct feeling that that would not last. He looked behind him, to see Toji in the distance still watching him from the ground. He raised one hand upwards, palm facing toward him, and Shinji did the same. They said goodbye like this, and Shinji realized that at some point he should start living for himself. But for now, he will stay alive for Toji.

**Author's Note:**

> In this poorly written work I've created, Toji Suzuhara keeps living and now it is official. I can pretend he's alive still because he now sort of is, I mean, after I press post he is. I remember the manga from my childhood and I guess I just never got over him dying. He wasn't that important of a character, but it was really annoying how little Shinji really seemed to care about him. He wouldn't even pilot his Eva to protect him, or his classmates. He only did it for his dad. What a little coward.


End file.
